Tag Archives: viggo mortensen

A Dangerous Malocclusion

I knew Shrinks had problems of their own but never did I imagine mine so pale in comparison to the nut cases in Cronenberg’s A Dangerous Method – where watching Kiera Knightly’s portrayal of a sadomasochistic patient is enough to drive you fucking crazy! Maybe the real cure should have been an exorcism…or acting lessons. Instead Dr. Jung (Michael Fassbender) just settles for administering a good spanking. Whereas Freud (Viggo Mortensen), has a less hands on approach towards his patients and believes that through psychoanalysis one can be accurately diagnosed but not necessarily cured. And herein lies the problem, not much happens as far as the plot goes, even though it’s filled with wall to wall psycho babble you’re just left with the overbearing Kiera who sometimes feels like a nut and sometimes she don’t.

As if there was enough attention drawn to her fierce under-bite, she has to go on to speak proper, over annunciated English with a Russian accent. – Ms. Knightly, for a Brit your teeth ain’t bad but you still look like snapping turtle…and your bitching all the time certainly doesn’t help.

But then again, Jung’s therapy was so effective that he was able to convert Keira from a stark raving lunatic to an esteemed psychiatrist! Which only confirms my suspicion that a psychiatrist is just an overpaid listener that feeds your narcissism. Unless of course you have had serious traumatic childhood experiences, like being raised by abusive parents or raped by Sandusky, then I’d say you’re just fucked. But getting back to the movie, even with Viggo’s prosthetic nose (to make sure that we know he’s a Jew), he gives a very credible performance and the movie lags when he’s not on the screen and we’re left having to deal with Keira’s desperate bid for an Oscar.

“Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.” – Sigmund Freud

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Appaloosa Loosa

This year’s conventional perennial western, Appaloosa, is uh…”What’s the word I’m looking for?” Gayorific? Right. And I’m talking Brokeback Mountain style!

Co-Writer, Actor and Director Ed Harris as Sheriff Virgil Cole bites off more than he can chew, adapting Robert B. Parker’s dimestore novel to the big screen, once again teaming up with his butt buddy in Eastern Promises, Viggo Mortensen as his faithful longtime “partner”, Deputy Everett Hitch. But without a nude locker room cockfight, Viggos’s good looks (brandishing a greasy hair center part) aren’t enough to save this shootout as it only fires blanks.

Within minutes we are thrown into a crossfire between Sheriff Cole and outlaw Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons), perfecting the latest Daniel Day-Lewis impression but without the sweet taste of an oversized straw and shake, whom both pine for the affections of Allison French (Renee Zellweger), who is obviously still suffering from the bad Bee Movie sting flashing her fat fugly face to the camera, turning this gun show into a skank scented bubble bath filled with a fluffy love triangle accompanied by either Irish Celtic music or Renee’s kiddy yankee doodle dandy piano playing. This all plays out on a cheap cracker barrel set as the actors all struggle with dialogue that desperately wants to be poignant between the excruciatingly long pauses of tumbleweeds tumbling but instead is trite and cliche as they are too preoccupied proving their manhood culminating into the obligatory showdown shootout.

Perhaps if Renee could wash the soap out of her eyes she would be able to tell the difference between these cowboys and save us all from this never-ending soap opera. If women like her were all the West had to offer it’s no mystery why every man was so willing to throw themselves in open gun fire. Or ride the happy trails of Brokeback.


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