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Joaquin The Line

Humor is tragedy plus time – Mark Twain

In one of many Joaquin Phoenix’s epiphanies throughout, he questions, “Is it that the dream is unattainable or is that it’s just the wrong dream?” Only time will tell if this is the wrong mockumentary directed by Casey Affleck and is still humorous and entertaining in a year from now – or at least until the DVD release in a few months. Nevertheless, the movie chronicles the tumultuous life of two time Academy Award Nominee, Joaquin Phoenix, following his decision to abruptly retire from acting so as to stop being a high paid “fucking puppet” millionaire and express his true artistry in Hip Hop form, where all music is sampled and has produced nothing innovative in the last 25 years and counting, just as one can say for mockumentaries since This Is Spinal Tap.

Along this magical mystery tour (another misguided movie that went nowhere) is his seemingly dopey peon assistant, Antony Langdon, who gets shit on by Phoenix throughout the movie until he gets what you would call the last laugh. (But I wasn’t laughing, because like the rest of the movie seeing is not necessarily believing.) And P. Diddy, who Joaquin stalks to produce his album.

If only the media didn’t spill the beans two years ago, I might buy it. Which is sadly their defeat as they try to salvage the film and address accusations of this prank. Suddenly “They’re Going to Kill Us Productions” should be “Don’t Flatter Yourself Productions”. But I can’t say I wasn’t entertained by Phoenix’s Andy Kaufmanesque like performance art and his nomadic lifestyle with his free association musings and ramblings from the plight of bees to the entrapment of celebritydom, and hookers – everything but brother River Phoenix’s tragic death nor his other family members who are understandably absent including, maybe, even his father according to credits, who appears briefly, which is a dead giveaway for it being nothing but an elaborate and impressive hoax to stir the majority of the hungry gossiping public and media, like Roger Ebert. In his thumbs up review he empathizes with this tortuous soul but also says he will be seriously pissed if it turn out to be a hoax.

(“I’m a thief and I dig it!”)

So if their is sustaining humor to be found in this tragedy of his “lost years” than it would be that Casey Affleck is charged with sexually harassing the producer and DP and turns out to be the real lost cause and the one with the bad career move. If the filmmakers had any balls they would save that for the dvd outtakes. So will the real Phat Joaquin please stand up? Maybe he will in his upcoming movie “The Raven” or on Letterman this Friday.

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It Might Get Loud…or not.

It Might Get Loud Poster

“You know, it’s just that people like this, you know, they get all they want so they really don’t understand, you know, about a life like Frank’s. I mean, when you’ve loved and lost the way Frank has, then you, you know what life’s about.” – Tommy Pischedda

Like Davis Guggenheim’s past doc, An Inconvenient Truth, It Might Get Loud is also just another pointless exercise in star-fucking as he brings three Rock “Icons,” Jimmy Page, The Edge, and Jack White center stage to reminisce on some comfy couches about their love affair with the guitar and themselves.

While visiting his delta blues roots, music nerd Jack White reveals how much of a poser he and his fans are (including his son, Jack Jr., who goes to the same tailor) as he strums ’til his fingers bleed copying every past blind pickin’ blues man. Let’s just hope Little Jack turns out to be more haughty and saucy.

Jack White“Take a load off Fanny…”

The Edge on the other hand likes to keep an assortment of pedals at his feet to cover up his single chord strumming. I can see why he wept after seeing This is Spinal Tap – I guess he likes to hear his music in Dubly too. The only explanation for this casting was in hopes for a Bono cameo, which thank God did not surface.

Edge Effects Pedal

“The sustain listen to it’.”

“I don’t hear anything…”

“Well you would though, if it were playing.”

Jimmy Page is the one with the most rock cred, showing more talent when rocking out on his air guitar to a Dick Dale’s Rumble vinyl, and is the most interesting with filler stock footage from the 1960s to justify some sort of documentation.

Young Jimmy Page

“I know how to get there, all I’ve got to do is keep playing.” – Jimmy Page

As for the anti-climactic jam session this supergroup ends up striking the wrong chord as they cover The Band’s The Weight. “This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry.” Or are we just nitpicking?

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