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Apoxalypse Now!

Even with bans against slobs eating on public transportation, spitting fines, and employees must wash hands signs, we’ve seen plenty of deadly epidemics in our world’s history – everything from the Bubonic Plague to Taco Bell’s E. coli and Bieber Fever. I’m nagged daily on my germaphobia, if not with a lecture on weakening my immunity, then with a look like I’m a freak for protecting a hand with my sleeve around door knobs or train poles. So to all my touchy-feely friends, sorry if my hugs seem like I’m wearing a surgical mask but after seeing Contagion  you might finally get it. I’m sure it won’t be long until we see “pass the Purell” in the American lexicon as Sodergbergh rounds up more A-list actors than Robert Altman, utilizing intercutting stories and subplots in this global pandemic flick (making Nashville look like a family picnic!).

Before Kate Winslet has a chance to get naked she plays doctor specializing in epidemic cures and we are on edge (trying to ignore the mouth breather sitting next to us and biochem Demitri Martin) with our infected cast, and dead Gwen lying on a autopsy table with her head sliced open and forehead peeled back, and Matt Damon, demanding to know “What happened to her!!?”….”What happened to her!!!?” He and the rest of the world sure manage to keep their heads on straight, not dropping one cuss word when I would be losing my fucking shit!! Meanwhile, back at the laboratory, biologists, the CIA, Homeland Security, and Elliot Gould all work to find a vaccine – spearheaded by Dr. Fishburne as Jude Law shows the power of a video blog vs. the printed media, accusing the Government for lying to the public and insinuating a massive conspiracy perpetuated by the pharmaceutical companies. Perhaps I too should wear a snaggle tooth to get some more subscribers? But as lab-coats get lost in a game of ring around the rosy with accusations against Fishburne for secretly advising his chick over the general public to leave the cootie zone, the story forgets all it’s compelling premises and angles; Damon’s immunization, biological warfare, nefarious plots of genocide, and literally turns to some batshit crazy excuse.

(Bubble Boy!)

Sucks Bryan Cranston didn’t have his Breaking Bad chemistry set. Thankfully Soderbergh’s eye paired with Stephen Mirrione editing move us through these pending plots with a spooky pulsating electronic score to keep us on pace and at least raise the question and possible scenarios in this day and age how the panic of the people will play out. But unfortunately Contagion’s characters are unfulfilled even with a vaccine shot up there nose. But what really left me hanging was the Doctor’s reaction to whatever the fuck was inside Gwen’s head?…Bedbugs?

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Yo Holmes

First was Basil Rathbone then Jeremy Brett starring as Sherlock Holmes and now, “Why?” you ask has our famous tall and imposing Holmes turned midget to Robert Downey Jr? One can only deduct the reasoning behind this casting in the upcoming movie version Directed by Brit Tarantino, Guy Ritchie a.k.a. Mr. Madonna is that Holmes often used morphine, cocaine, and opium – only he was clever enough not to get caught.

Another uninspired choice of casting is that of Dr. Watson, debatable stud and notably lean,  Jude Law. At least he’s British. But what really puts a damper on this classic buddy duo is the added love interest Rachel McAdams, who plays Irene Adler, a minor character that showed up in only one story, A Scandal in Bohemia.

Slated for a 2010 release by Warner Bros. Ritchie says “It will be a very big production, visceral and intellectual. His brilliance will percolate into the action.” Given that statement this movie will be quite a change for him and also for Producer and first time Writer, Lionel Wigram, who has yet to finish his comic book version of Sherlock to be adapted. But given his past producing credentials, Cool as Ice and August Rush, this movie looks to offend the Sherlockians and cater to the Grand Theft Auto and A.D.D. fans. The anticipation of Downey uttering Holmes famous catch line, “That’s elementary my dear Watson,” to Jude makes me cringe – At least Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will bare some resemblance to the original in their mockery.

Shermock.

I just hope Ritchie’s gap tooth Wife doesn’t provide the soundtrack too because we all know who wears the pants in this relationship.

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