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The Expected Hobble


The Hobbit( The Muppet Movie 2012)

The obvious inherent problem with prequels, specifically one so well read, is that we already know the eventual outcome – thereby lacking any kind of suspense. Worse, is the expected and accepted m.o. nowadays to milk every saga, and force the public (nerds) once again to fork over their dollars. But what insults me most is that this time around we really just needed one movie, not another fucking trilogy! In this case even Tolkien said as much, that it’s a single novel. And that’s coming from the pioneer who revised and cashed in on his forthcoming trilogy. Maybe if they cut out the lame preface, Elijah Wood, Cate Blanchett, and Hugo Weaving cameos they wouldn’t have to make up for the budget with the price of two more movies.

The Hobbit

But let me just cut to the chase, my problem with Peter Jackson’s much anticipated, The Hobbit, is that it spends way too much time on dwarf character development – from them eating and singing, to shitting and group circle jerks, when really it’s just Bilbo and Gollum that I came to see.

The Hobbit

The Hobbit

So the fact that it took two hours to see only fifteen minutes of the two is a capitol crime. And now that the next two installments will no longer have Gollum in them I may just tune out. But…Fuck! I really like Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins! So I guess I just might have to endure more fucking closeups of Ian McKellen’s sad eyes and stupid all knowing grins, ugh!

The Hobbit

Speaking of all knowing, I thought I was paying to see this presented in the much ballyhooed IMAX HFR 3D 48fps, but to my chagrin I found out afterwards that it was only playing in another IMAX theater and that my vision was instead blurred by how long the movie was. Leaving me further pissed that I also missed the new 9 minute Star Trek Into the Darkness trailer which was only shown in that faux IMAX theater too. So maybe I don’t know shit after all.

The Hobbit

METER

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Hey You! Get Off of My Cloud!

To be fair, when it took me three sittings to finally get through that five minute Cloud Atlas trailer I knew we were in trouble – suspecting that like their previous lackluster, Speed Racer, the Wachowski Siblings again blew another astronomical budget ($102 million!) in hopes to recapture their critical standing from the revolutionary sci-fi The Matrix even though a decade has passed since. This time around with three directors (Tom Tykwer) and an overly ambitious script based on the much lauded novel that pundits said was unfilmable and I’d argue unreadable too.

With that in mind I thought I was completely prepared for this catastrophe but was only further disappointed when it was not the multiple story lines of pasts and futures, or it’s re-occurring cast that I had initially feared would leave me disoriented in a sticky stuffy theater – but instead the perpetual, mundane reincarnations in Dullsville left me worrying my weekend would be over before the movie. Thankfully I don’t believe in that past life jumbo because I’d hate to sit through this again.

Three hours exhausted on six interlaced plots unfolding in a barrage of non-linear cuts that span over 500 years, planets and terrains, these fruitless tales of love and the quest for freedom of young and old, crusty punks, Amish tongues, gay lovers, asian persuasions, and a stowaway slave all get lost and muddled together and as far as I can tell only linked by a fucking birthmark in the shape of a comet. And even though all were charged with a chase and showdown I honestly didn’t give a fuck what happened to anyone since they’re all going to relive their life somewhere else anyway…except for maybe that Green Dude. He was scary.

Hopefully the Wachowski’s will reinvent instead of resexing themselves after this debacle because the “true-true” is they know how to shoot movies but their highfalutin notions and gimmicky ways, like Tom Hanks performance, get in the way to making coherent works of art with some Kung Fu fighting. But at least it’s better than Seven Psychopaths. Then again, even afterbirth is better than that shit.

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4F Captain America

It’s summertime and that could only mean one thing for geeks on break – another installment of super hero movies via Marvel Comics’ standard formula of origins and conflict. Following the Thor, X-Men, and the Green Lantern hype, Captain America saves the world too from the tired Nazi villains. I’m sorry, but Truman Capote is no Nazi and Hugo Weaving just looks like Hellboy on crack…Seriously, I’m more terrified of the Crusty Punks on St. Marks.

In this hero flick however, it’s not the pyrotechnic explosions nor the deft defying leaps but rather the CGI team’s ability to convert a meathead into a fucking 90lb baby face boy-scout, all the while not bursting out of the seams of his tight ass jeans. Beefed up with Super Soldier Serum  (in other words the 1940s version of steroids) from German scientist, Stanley Tucci who wears a stupid smirk throughout and probably wanted the part for the Einstein accent and of course the scratch.  And Tommy Lee Jones? Well, I forgot he was in it.

As for Captain America’s special lady friend whom he yearns to dance with, Hayley Atwell turns in a highly stylized 1940’s military soldier feminist all the while covered in pancake makeup. And I’m sure once he is defrosted he’ll probably see if she’s still alive to do the Lindy Hop or else just skullfuck her.

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