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Hey You! Get Off of My Cloud!

To be fair, when it took me three sittings to finally get through that five minute Cloud Atlas trailer I knew we were in trouble – suspecting that like their previous lackluster, Speed Racer, the Wachowski Siblings again blew another astronomical budget ($102 million!) in hopes to recapture their critical standing from the revolutionary sci-fi The Matrix even though a decade has passed since. This time around with three directors (Tom Tykwer) and an overly ambitious script based on the much lauded novel that pundits said was unfilmable and I’d argue unreadable too.

With that in mind I thought I was completely prepared for this catastrophe but was only further disappointed when it was not the multiple story lines of pasts and futures, or it’s re-occurring cast that I had initially feared would leave me disoriented in a sticky stuffy theater – but instead the perpetual, mundane reincarnations in Dullsville left me worrying my weekend would be over before the movie. Thankfully I don’t believe in that past life jumbo because I’d hate to sit through this again.

Three hours exhausted on six interlaced plots unfolding in a barrage of non-linear cuts that span over 500 years, planets and terrains, these fruitless tales of love and the quest for freedom of young and old, crusty punks, Amish tongues, gay lovers, asian persuasions, and a stowaway slave all get lost and muddled together and as far as I can tell only linked by a fucking birthmark in the shape of a comet. And even though all were charged with a chase and showdown I honestly didn’t give a fuck what happened to anyone since they’re all going to relive their life somewhere else anyway…except for maybe that Green Dude. He was scary.

Hopefully the Wachowski’s will reinvent instead of resexing themselves after this debacle because the “true-true” is they know how to shoot movies but their highfalutin notions and gimmicky ways, like Tom Hanks performance, get in the way to making coherent works of art with some Kung Fu fighting. But at least it’s better than Seven Psychopaths. Then again, even afterbirth is better than that shit.

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Mutiny on the Bounty

I knew going into this Aardman production that Nick Park was not involved, so truth be told I was expecting the worse from The Pirates! Band of Misfits. But nothing could have have prepared me for the agony endured or my bafflement over the rave reviews I read later. With the number of disposable CGI movies attracting brats accompanied by their pampering parents, I really wanted to appreciate the aesthetic and massive, painstaking time bestowed – despite the stupid jokes in the trailer. But I never believed Aardman would produce something  with such an insultingly stupid plot with such dull and unimaginative characters! Assholes!

I knew we were in trouble from the get go when the lamest Pirate to torment the high seas was billed as “The Pirate Captain” with his mute Dodo, Polly (that they stupidly believe to be a Parrot) who turns out to be the lynchpin behind this whole fiasco of a plot – whereby his fellow crew sets out to wrangle booty in hope to earn the ridiculous Pirate of the Year Award. By this point I was ready to walk the plank. But matters only worsened when the Pirate Captain’s nemesis turns out to be none other than that notorious nefarious naturalist, Charles Darwin! And his fucking Manpanzee! Now I’m no stickler for historical accuracy, especially in stop-motion animation movies geared for kids, but portraying Darwin to be something other than a peace loving man of science circumnavigating the globe on the HMS Beagle documenting fauna and flora is a capitol crime!

Not to mention how cute and clever the filmmakers think they are when having The Elephant Man make a brief cameo while they are conspiraring in London – even though in 1836 he wasn’t even born yet! Another thing, since when do Pirate movies spend so much time in a cities like London and sail into it by way of the Thames? And don’t even get me started on The Freshman premise rip off! I know you’re probably thinking that I need to lighten up because it’s only a kids movie but I’m more prone to flying elephants and talking toys than I am to this fucking piece of shit!

Basically Aardman didn’t get the memo that Pirate fad is passe and Bobby Driscoll is probably rolling in his potters field’s grave on the mysterious Hart Island while none of these pirate aficionados give a flying fuck now. Sorry. Really what I’m saying is that this movie was so bad that afterwards I went to a to see an exhibit of Ron Wood’s paintings and found them to be a more pleasing sight even if they really did suck.

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