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Donkey Kong Country

“I’m a cold Italian pizza, I could use a lemon squeezer.”– The Rolling Stones

What is it about Apes overthrowing mankind to gain superiority of the planet that has captivated moviegoers over the past 50 years? Is it because Man feels inherently bad about mistreating animals? Or is it the notion of the “Survival of the fittest”? Except unlike previous versions these so called “fittest” are monkeys imbibed with a man made potion that enables them to talk jive and go apeshit. The ironic thing is that all these fucking apes are CGI! I guess then it’s only fitting that the good qualities of the human race be represented by James Franco, who not only is a thespian but a lifelong college student. It must be dehumanizing for Franco to be upstaged by the CGI ape, Caesar, who only has a couple words of dialogue (I hope there is Oscar talk for Caesar’s performance as well).

Never for a second did I believe Franco as a scientist with his elementary science kit lingo and his smirk that he wore oscar night when calling the film techies nerds. Also, I don’t care how cute he is, after five years, his Ape Dr. Girlfriend, Freida Pinto, at some point had to notice their pet Caesar was not just your smarter than average Mighty Joe. Talk about being straight from the slums. And while Draco may hate Mudbloods what did those monkeys ever do to him? He is now relegated to rehashing the corniest lines in the movie, “It’s a madhouse!” and “Get your paws off of me you damn dirty ape”. I mean wasn’t it Chuck Heston who uttered those classic lines and not the fucking punkass animal keeper? Now thats what I call a homage fail.

Given that the filmmakers want to make a trilogy, will it finally conclude on the thorny ruins of the Statue of Liberty or will they revive Nova to give a helping hand to one of the astronauts to nuke the planet?

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You Will Be Bored.

“It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”-Shakespeare

So begins Woody Allen’s 5th European set film, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, narrated by some village idiot and leftover cast. And if that’s not a set up line open to ridicule and interpretation regarding this movie…Yes, I know that ultimately we are all idiots – I mean even Dostoyevsky and Greenday have come to that conclusion, and Tolstoy did say, “The only absolute knowledge attainable by man is that life is meaningless.” But how about having a few laughs before we check out, Woody? I mean I love your movies “especially your early funny ones”.

But Stardust Memories was many moons ago, and now we are reduced to a series of minor melodramas based on loosely formed, half-baked ideas with no real resolution. Such as Writer (Josh Brolin) with writer’s block who steals recently dead writers unread manuscript and falls in love with the rear window, lady in red Neighbor (Freida Pinto) or the rehashed tale of a viagra popping Old Man (Anthony Hopkins) who divorces his wife of decades and marries a young bombshell Hooker (Lucy Punch) realizing he’s made a mistake and wants to go back to his wrinkly saggy titted ex-wife (Gemma Jones) who since has resorted to following a quack fortune teller’s advice leaving her miserably married Daughter (Naomi Watts) hopeless who falls in love with her miserably married boss (Antonio Banderas). So much for the “sound and the fury”. Faulkner attributed the title to the decline and death of a traditional upper-class Southern family and whereas Woody to the foibles of a bunch of self-centered neurotic Brits who’s only hope of redemption or salvation at this point is to go to “Jazz Heaven”.

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