Tag Archives: daniel craig

Bardem Mayhem

A few weeks before Skyfall was released I bought the complete James Bond series on Blu Ray, which is by far one of the coolest packaged box sets yet – sleek and slim, with handsome slipcases for each individual disc laid in chronological order corresponding with a picture of each movie’s associated Bond Girl. With a space cleverly left empty for this upcoming movie, I noticed that there was no accompanying picture alongside the slot which made me wonder…only to soon realize after seeing Skyfall that the Bond Girl this time around is not the usual sexy, no name actress, but the frumpy lame dame Judi Dench! Of course Bond didn’t shag her, but who would’ve guessed he had a mommy complex?

Then again, there was a lot of Bond’s character and childhood revealed, along with introductions to Miss. Moneypenny and Q, that set this movie apart from the majority of others – and in turn makes it uniquely better. Of course it helps to have top-notch director Sam Mendes, and an artist like Roger Deakins as the DP to shoot stunning silhouettes in Shanghai and combat scenes through ice, water, and fire – unlike the usual hacks that they hire.

While Daniel Craig stunts are impressive the most outlandish feat is how he runs so fast in those flat shoes – jumping atop from one train car to the next.

But it’s the cat and mouse game between Bond and the villainous and flirtatious Javier Bardem that is really impressive – combining his charm from Vicky Christina Barcelona with a hair cut that rivals his No Country for Old Men, with the worst bite since Jaws.

Though with the technology and foresight to hack, relocate, and destroy British Secret Service I was hoping to see a subterranean lair made up in Lex Luthor fashion too.

Other than the minor foible of a weak opening credit montage and a 143-minute running time that put 2nd place Nobel Peace Blogging Award winner James Franco to sleep, I was wide awake in this long days journey into night that fits the puzzle of the innocence lost like what Rosebud was for Kane as Skyfall is for Bond.

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The Girl with No IKEA Furniture

A little known fact, like the Coen Bros’ Fargo not being based on a true story as stated in the opening credits, David Fincher’s The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is based on the bestselling international novel published posthumously by Steig Larsson, of which a Swedish movie version was already made in 2009. To draw comparisons to both would likely cause the reader to become confused and futile. So I’ll just stick with this movie at hand and review it on it’s own fucking terms! I mean nobody gives a hoot about how the numerous movie versions bastardized the novels like Great Expectations, The Great Gatsby, or A Christmas Carol and yet I feel that this movie is being scrutinized with higher standards – the ironic thing being that the novel with that ugly neon yellow cover really does suck to start. Keeping all that in mind I came out placing it in this year’s number two spot.

And it’s Fincher’s shooting and editing style that raises this silly sordid plot that is mired in well worn cliches and twists but still maintains a panache for the mystery thriller genre. Plus the fact that Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara make a very riveting dynamic duo investigating the disappearance of a girl 36 years ago from a secluded island of a dysfunctional Nazi sympathizing family filled with dark secrets. But what is not a secret is that Rooney Mara really did get her nipples pierced for the role because at every press junket some dimwitted so called “journalist” first question is about this. Sorta like how they all ask Tom Cruise if he does his own stunts.

From the opening James Bond credits through the grotesque rape scenes that seem to have all the critics in a tizzy, I was completely mesmerized in the Blow Up photo mystery, drawing me deeper into an obsidian oblivion only to later discover that Swedes just have a fondness for incest molestation and extreme abuse I guess. Maybe if they had Blu Ray on their island they could just watch Fincher movies instead of having to get off themselves. But as much as I enjoyed the movie I just don’t think I could stomach a sequel, let alone a trilogy, even if David is in the directors chair again because personally I found the dragon tattoo gal a bit too implausible to sustain my interest and as disposable as H&M’s cheap ass clothes.


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December 25, 2011 · 8:17 pm

Quantum Full of Poo

Quantum of Solace Poster

(What you see is what you get)

Quantum of Solace begins where Casino Royale left off not only as an inevitable inferior sequel, the first of it’s kind in the Bond franchise storied history, but also leaves us desperately hoping that this is not part of an epic trilogy!

Doomed from the start we find Quantum of Solace to be directed by Bond newbie Marc Forster, whose credits include The Kite Runner, Finding Neverland, and Monster’s Ball, as he brings a new kind of tears to audiences tortured from the start with lamest deflated car chase sequence followed by the flattest title song and credits as they float amidst a montage of women with sand in their crotch, then omitting the traditional signature gun barrel shot that is saved instead for the end of the movie as a last resort climax, being it’s only solace.

Though Daniel Craig has not lost an ounce of his muscular physique, his portrayal definitely loses the notoriously cavalier attitude and rapier wit associated with Bond that can only be attributed and blamed on the screenwriters who have concocted a story of a mournful meathead who seeks revenge for the death of Vesper Lynd who actually killed herself anyway by drowning. Regardless, in this movie we follow Bond tracking down the secret organization known as Quantum who not only was responsible in extorting Vesper but also has some half-baked idea to blockade Bolivia’s water supply by filtering it into massive reservoirs hidden beneath a desert they will soon acquire. Whatever happened to world conquest and domination? With Mathieu Amalric casted as the weakest Bond villain, Dominic Greene, (hardly your imposing nefarious looking nemesis but rather a Roman Polanski lookalike) it is no wonder that we are subjected to such a pussy driven plot. Seriously, he was more terrifying with his one eye as a paralyzed bedridden stroke victim in The Diving Bell and The Butterfly.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

But does the inclusion of a car chase, a boat chase, a propeller plane chase, and sky diving chase make up for this lack of suspense? Nope. After four edited to pieces, shit chase scenes one can’t help wishing for some eye drops as they try to sift through the cuts to find some action. But while the movie not only lacks action it also is missing, as the credits and movie posters foreshadow, Bond’s mojo. He barely gets the chance to take us down to Strawberry Fields (Gemma Arterton) before she is tarred, revealing only a weak attempt at a homage to Goldfinger  (And all I really wanted to see her sixth finger nub!) As for leading lady Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko), whom Bond never even shags probably because of the severe burn marks on her back or maybe because he is already familiar with her sex tape, not only needs acting lessons but also is in need of a shower.

Quantum of Solace Olga

What also is lacking from Quantum is it’s traditional ritualistic familiarity of events such as the appearances of the latest high tech gadgets introduced by Q, the naughty flirtations with Miss Moneypenny, and the villian’s lair and impending doom with a touch of romance and intrigue, and especially the character of M (Judi Dench) whom is not nearly a cold enough bitch – as we are constantly reminded with lingering closeups of Judi’s wrinkly sympathetic face that she really is a softy inside. 

Judi Dench Quantum of Solace

I think it’s safe to say that Highschool Musical 3 and Twilight have just as much drama and more action as they continue to lead at the box office.

Batty Bond

 

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