Monthly Archives: May 2012

Black to the Future

Summer is officially here and with that comes the onslaught of the proverbial sequels and wannabe blockbusters to spawn next year’s sequels. And sadly Men In Black 3 falls victim to the genre of the wasted chapters and money (both theirs and yours).

Maybe I’m being cynical (as usual) and the Filmmakers actually had noble intentions with the fortune that Josh Brolin is a dead ringer for playing the young Tommy Lee Jones. Given that – all they had to do is concoct some silly time travel motif to send Kay back to the summer of 1969 as Brolin! Coinciding it with the first Apollo mission and the spacey Warhol Factory, a little civil rights comic relief, a Stones song and a hippy or two, you will find yourself in a $200 million budget movie.

But as we all know, the notion of good intentions in Hollywood is a misnomer. Just look at all the countless charity balls and galas they hold there for all those limousine liberals in their tax deductible designer clothes while I’m subjected to pay Midtown prices for lunch everyday!  Most recently George Clooney’s fundraising event at his palatial Hollywood home for Obama’s re-election campaign cost his exclusive 150 guests $40K a plate! While in reality they are just perpetuating this Fiat Currency that has enslaved us to the almighty dollar. Sorry, I know I’m just as guilty for greasing the wheels of the big studios by paying these outrageous 3D prices for a movie ticket.

In fact I saw that Wes Anderson movie as well the day after but that’s another blog to read if you can get through this one, so I need to get to the point – Men In Black 3 sucked. I was suckered in by my own silly sentiment of trying to recapture my childhood memories and fondness for the characters of the original 1997 movie. But not only did I realized that I can’t even remember a fucking thing about the second MIB, I also see that I haven’t really matured much since then AND that it’s just the filmmakers such as Barry Sonnenfeld and Co. that just got more retarded. If you don’t believe me wait to you see how this movie ends – not with one small step for Man but one giant leap fucking backwards for Mankind.

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Mutiny on the Bounty

I knew going into this Aardman production that Nick Park was not involved, so truth be told I was expecting the worse from The Pirates! Band of Misfits. But nothing could have have prepared me for the agony endured or my bafflement over the rave reviews I read later. With the number of disposable CGI movies attracting brats accompanied by their pampering parents, I really wanted to appreciate the aesthetic and massive, painstaking time bestowed – despite the stupid jokes in the trailer. But I never believed Aardman would produce something  with such an insultingly stupid plot with such dull and unimaginative characters! Assholes!

I knew we were in trouble from the get go when the lamest Pirate to torment the high seas was billed as “The Pirate Captain” with his mute Dodo, Polly (that they stupidly believe to be a Parrot) who turns out to be the lynchpin behind this whole fiasco of a plot – whereby his fellow crew sets out to wrangle booty in hope to earn the ridiculous Pirate of the Year Award. By this point I was ready to walk the plank. But matters only worsened when the Pirate Captain’s nemesis turns out to be none other than that notorious nefarious naturalist, Charles Darwin! And his fucking Manpanzee! Now I’m no stickler for historical accuracy, especially in stop-motion animation movies geared for kids, but portraying Darwin to be something other than a peace loving man of science circumnavigating the globe on the HMS Beagle documenting fauna and flora is a capitol crime!

Not to mention how cute and clever the filmmakers think they are when having The Elephant Man make a brief cameo while they are conspiraring in London – even though in 1836 he wasn’t even born yet! Another thing, since when do Pirate movies spend so much time in a cities like London and sail into it by way of the Thames? And don’t even get me started on The Freshman premise rip off! I know you’re probably thinking that I need to lighten up because it’s only a kids movie but I’m more prone to flying elephants and talking toys than I am to this fucking piece of shit!

Basically Aardman didn’t get the memo that Pirate fad is passe and Bobby Driscoll is probably rolling in his potters field’s grave on the mysterious Hart Island while none of these pirate aficionados give a flying fuck now. Sorry. Really what I’m saying is that this movie was so bad that afterwards I went to a to see an exhibit of Ron Wood’s paintings and found them to be a more pleasing sight even if they really did suck.

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Gangs of New York

Last we spoke I was marveling Joss Whedon’s Cabin in the Woods and now – the long awaited, Avengers movie. Whereas Cabin was taut with radical twists and turns, The Avengers was predictably silly and action packed with super hero special effects. But what sets this marvel apart from it’s lame predecessors is the branded Whedon humor. And Thor takes the cake when it comes to delivering his lackluster Shakespearian lines – talk about a meathead wielding a hammer around. Mark Ruffalo succeeds as the first credible Hulk (even if Iron Man seemed a bit to eager to see Banner bust out of his pants) and Captain America, who after fending the world off from Aliens with supernatural beings, still believes in one God, makes a defiant U.S. soldier.

What wasn’t funny was every time Scarlett Johansson opened her pouty mouth – it’s no wonder there wasn’t a movie for the Black Widow. Making no attempt at a Russian accent, Scarlett hasn’t made an effort to act as anything but a whore since Ghost World. At least she wasn’t made the love interest of the story, which would of been unbearable considering the movie is already two and half hours long. As for the unconvincing nemesis Loki, Tom Hiddleston comes off like a wannabe Cillian Murphy.

My biggest gripe with this movie is – not that it ended with the Super Heroes thwarting the single nuclear missile that was intended for them and thereby turning the tables by redirecting it to ultimately destroy the Aliens, but that they demolished my beloved Grand Central Station and knocked the fucking clock off the top of the info booth. Why couldn’t they have chosen Port Authority instead?


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