Monthly Archives: November 2011

A Dangerous Malocclusion

I knew Shrinks had problems of their own but never did I imagine mine so pale in comparison to the nut cases in Cronenberg’s A Dangerous Method – where watching Kiera Knightly’s portrayal of a sadomasochistic patient is enough to drive you fucking crazy! Maybe the real cure should have been an exorcism…or acting lessons. Instead Dr. Jung (Michael Fassbender) just settles for administering a good spanking. Whereas Freud (Viggo Mortensen), has a less hands on approach towards his patients and believes that through psychoanalysis one can be accurately diagnosed but not necessarily cured. And herein lies the problem, not much happens as far as the plot goes, even though it’s filled with wall to wall psycho babble you’re just left with the overbearing Kiera who sometimes feels like a nut and sometimes she don’t.

As if there was enough attention drawn to her fierce under-bite, she has to go on to speak proper, over annunciated English with a Russian accent. – Ms. Knightly, for a Brit your teeth ain’t bad but you still look like snapping turtle…and your bitching all the time certainly doesn’t help.

But then again, Jung’s therapy was so effective that he was able to convert Keira from a stark raving lunatic to an esteemed psychiatrist! Which only confirms my suspicion that a psychiatrist is just an overpaid listener that feeds your narcissism. Unless of course you have had serious traumatic childhood experiences, like being raised by abusive parents or raped by Sandusky, then I’d say you’re just fucked. But getting back to the movie, even with Viggo’s prosthetic nose (to make sure that we know he’s a Jew), he gives a very credible performance and the movie lags when he’s not on the screen and we’re left having to deal with Keira’s desperate bid for an Oscar.

“Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.” – Sigmund Freud

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The Muppet in Me

After a slew of the upcoming CGI kid trailers I had ants in my pants waiting to see my old Muppet pals back in action and as soon as the movie started I immediately felt that warm fuzzy tactile feeling and couldn’t wipe that smile off my face – much as to the same reaction to last year’s Pee Wee Herman on Broadway.

I’m sure I would have sang along if I had known the words because the musical numbers to me were actually the highlights, especially seeing Jason Segel and Amy Adams going for broke and abandoning any sense of embarrassment.

Drawbacks are it caters to an older audience whereby the current generation of kids will undoubtedly not understand the numerous references similar to Pee Wee and Avenue Q, but then again fuck the younger generation. In fact, there was not one fucking little Kid in attendance, just a bunch of arrested developed Moviegoers. Probably because Kids nowadays grow up on 3D bullshit, Xbox, iPods, and premade lego sets, and not plush toys – thereby not realizing the magic of puppetry and the concept of an invisible master. I mean just look at what Lucas did to Yoda! What ever happened to the days listening to Orson Welles Mercury Theater on the radio and playing with Lincoln Logs?

Anyway, the plot basically is to round up the usual suspects and to put on a Muppet Show to raise money in order to save their studio from being bought out by an evil rapping oil Baron, Chris Cooper, (even though Ms. Piggy and Gonzo are self made millionaires) but unfortunately the movie goes south when it’s showtime resorts to B-list actors and the Nickeleodan luminaries to the penultimate flav of the month, Selena Gomez. But to add insult to injury, rather than having the celebrity host be someone of caliber like the great Bob Hope or Steve Martin we are force fed the buffoonery of Jack Black – leaving Zach Galifianakis the only bright spot as camoes go.

Given that The Muppets box office is only second to The Twilight Saga which represents a segment of society that….but more importantly it did beat out CGI animated Arthur Christmas and Scorsese’s 3D Hugo. Does that mean that there will inevitably be a sequel? I just don’t see it – considering that the protagonist of the movie is a boring underachieving puppet named Walter who likes hockey and who’s only talent is whistling piss poor. Sadly the loss of Jim Henson is still felt to this day and the novelty of this movie, though fun as it is, will wear thin as it’s more a nostalgic nod. Though it may not please hardcore Muppet fans (maybe they should try this instead) at least Jason Segel’s goal to revive the franchise and play with puppets has succeeded on these terms and unlike The Smurfs reboot stays true to it’s colors.

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November 25, 2011 · 10:53 pm

Melancholia Bites the Dunst

Melancholia Poster

“Don’t wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects”-Roger Zelazny

To say that Lars von Trier’s latest, Melancholia, be labeled a disaster movie about a planetary collision should rather be categorized a waste of my Saturday afternoon. Though watching over 2 hours of a dead-face Kirsten Dunst is enough to wish the world’s end.

The first hour is comprised of her wedding (which was longer than The Deer Hunter‘s epic ceremony without the purgatorial undertones that lead to a cathartic game of Russian roulette) is a hand held study of a manic depressive bride and her dysfunctional family only to lead to a marriage shorter than Kim Kardashian’s. And we haven’t even got to the second fucking half!

At this point I wish I had a revolver handy because the second part is about Kirsten’s postpartum depression recovering from that sand trap wedding while staying with her sister Charlotte Gainsbourg, her husband Kiefer Sutherland, and child, that live on an estate looking over the sea somewhere out of a Bergman/Tarkovsky landscape or a Chanel No. 5 commercial where they have the luxury to gaze up at the sky and calculate their impending doom with the use of a wire hanger and a fucking stick. How about just turning on the Telly? At least they Wiki’ed it the day before.

The revelation is not how the world ends in a pow wow skinless teepee nor Kirsten’s moon tanned juggs but that Rex Reed’s flaming 0% rating on Metacritic was spot on and that I once again succumbed to the pretentious critics, the Frenchies who awarded Dunst with a best actress, and my hipster friends’ buzz about the movie.

My weekend is not all lost yet and I’m praying it can be salvaged by the 3 1/2 hour Woody Allen doc on PBS tonight since last weekend I saw J. Edgar Hoover which was even more of a waste of time considering I didn’t even bother to fucking review it because I can sum it up in one word-Gay!

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November 20, 2011 · 11:37 am