Donkey Kong Country

“I’m a cold Italian pizza, I could use a lemon squeezer.”– The Rolling Stones

What is it about Apes overthrowing mankind to gain superiority of the planet that has captivated moviegoers over the past 50 years? Is it because Man feels inherently bad about mistreating animals? Or is it the notion of the “Survival of the fittest”? Except unlike previous versions these so called “fittest” are monkeys imbibed with a man made potion that enables them to talk jive and go apeshit. The ironic thing is that all these fucking apes are CGI! I guess then it’s only fitting that the good qualities of the human race be represented by James Franco, who not only is a thespian but a lifelong college student. It must be dehumanizing for Franco to be upstaged by the CGI ape, Caesar, who only has a couple words of dialogue (I hope there is Oscar talk for Caesar’s performance as well).

Never for a second did I believe Franco as a scientist with his elementary science kit lingo and his smirk that he wore oscar night when calling the film techies nerds. Also, I don’t care how cute he is, after five years, his Ape Dr. Girlfriend, Freida Pinto, at some point had to notice their pet Caesar was not just your smarter than average Mighty Joe. Talk about being straight from the slums. And while Draco may hate Mudbloods what did those monkeys ever do to him? He is now relegated to rehashing the corniest lines in the movie, “It’s a madhouse!” and “Get your paws off of me you damn dirty ape”. I mean wasn’t it Chuck Heston who uttered those classic lines and not the fucking punkass animal keeper? Now thats what I call a homage fail.

Given that the filmmakers want to make a trilogy, will it finally conclude on the thorny ruins of the Statue of Liberty or will they revive Nova to give a helping hand to one of the astronauts to nuke the planet?

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