Monthly Archives: November 2008

Quantum Full of Poo

Quantum of Solace Poster

(What you see is what you get)

Quantum of Solace begins where Casino Royale left off not only as an inevitable inferior sequel, the first of it’s kind in the Bond franchise storied history, but also leaves us desperately hoping that this is not part of an epic trilogy!

Doomed from the start we find Quantum of Solace to be directed by Bond newbie Marc Forster, whose credits include The Kite Runner, Finding Neverland, and Monster’s Ball, as he brings a new kind of tears to audiences tortured from the start with lamest deflated car chase sequence followed by the flattest title song and credits as they float amidst a montage of women with sand in their crotch, then omitting the traditional signature gun barrel shot that is saved instead for the end of the movie as a last resort climax, being it’s only solace.

Though Daniel Craig has not lost an ounce of his muscular physique, his portrayal definitely loses the notoriously cavalier attitude and rapier wit associated with Bond that can only be attributed and blamed on the screenwriters who have concocted a story of a mournful meathead who seeks revenge for the death of Vesper Lynd who actually killed herself anyway by drowning. Regardless, in this movie we follow Bond tracking down the secret organization known as Quantum who not only was responsible in extorting Vesper but also has some half-baked idea to blockade Bolivia’s water supply by filtering it into massive reservoirs hidden beneath a desert they will soon acquire. Whatever happened to world conquest and domination? With Mathieu Amalric casted as the weakest Bond villain, Dominic Greene, (hardly your imposing nefarious looking nemesis but rather a Roman Polanski lookalike) it is no wonder that we are subjected to such a pussy driven plot. Seriously, he was more terrifying with his one eye as a paralyzed bedridden stroke victim in The Diving Bell and The Butterfly.

The Diving Bell and The Butterfly

But does the inclusion of a car chase, a boat chase, a propeller plane chase, and sky diving chase make up for this lack of suspense? Nope. After four edited to pieces, shit chase scenes one can’t help wishing for some eye drops as they try to sift through the cuts to find some action. But while the movie not only lacks action it also is missing, as the credits and movie posters foreshadow, Bond’s mojo. He barely gets the chance to take us down to Strawberry Fields (Gemma Arterton) before she is tarred, revealing only a weak attempt at a homage to Goldfinger  (And all I really wanted to see her sixth finger nub!) As for leading lady Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko), whom Bond never even shags probably because of the severe burn marks on her back or maybe because he is already familiar with her sex tape, not only needs acting lessons but also is in need of a shower.

Quantum of Solace Olga

What also is lacking from Quantum is it’s traditional ritualistic familiarity of events such as the appearances of the latest high tech gadgets introduced by Q, the naughty flirtations with Miss Moneypenny, and the villian’s lair and impending doom with a touch of romance and intrigue, and especially the character of M (Judi Dench) whom is not nearly a cold enough bitch – as we are constantly reminded with lingering closeups of Judi’s wrinkly sympathetic face that she really is a softy inside. 

Judi Dench Quantum of Solace

I think it’s safe to say that Highschool Musical 3 and Twilight have just as much drama and more action as they continue to lead at the box office.

Batty Bond

 

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His name’s Lebowski? That’s your name, Dude!

The Big Lebowski Ashes

“If you will it, Dude, it is no dream.” -Theodore Herzel State of Isreal

After a life long pursuit throwing rocks, Don-ny Doane finally rolled a perfect game before collapsing midst high five with teammates from a heart attack, dying with a smile on his face.

Donny who loved bowling.

Donny died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time and is probably turning over in his grave (though his ashes are scattered from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo) as the hordes of wannabes and bandwagoners congregate at these annual Big Lebowski Festivals throughout the land. 

The Big Lebowski Dude

“Has the whole world gone crazy!”Walter Sobchak

There’s nothing worse then when a cult classic becomes so mainstream whereby joining the ranks and reducing it to the level of the fans that jerk off to Will Farrell and Seth Rogen movies and their jerk off faces thereby ruining it and leaving you saying to yourself, “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” Not all of us are a Lebowski. Some of us are Nihilists which is more exhausting. Am I wrong? So come this month’s Lebowski Fest in NYC, for those of us who want our damn undies back, I hope to see a small faithfull band of outsiders protesting holding “nobody fucks with The Jesus” pickets. But till then, goodnight, sweet prince.

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