Beware, beware, beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys, puppy-dog tails, and big fat snails. Beware, take care, beware.-Bela Lugosi
Since our end of the summer pilgrimage to the Amityville House I’ve been cursed, demonized, plagued and tricked into seeing nothing but bad movies. While Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Highschool Musical 3 top movie box offices the more eagerly anticipated ones have continued to let us down. From the new Bond song and Choke to all those previously reviewed, this curse is forcing me to consider greasing up a chainsaw and going to town with the Grady Twins. Let’s just hope this fall voodoo doesn’t repeat itself with the start of Crazy Jerry again.
Trick or Treat Jerry?
Body Of Lies, adapted by the same screenwriter as The Departed, William Monahan, proves to be just as far fetched and implausible, only without Alec Baldwin and Mark Wahlberg farting out Shakespeare, resulting in a typical stylisitic rehashing of Syriana, the then current Middle East bomb infested terrorist action flick.
Amidst the war torn country of Jordan with all it’s civil unrest and harboring terrorist safe houses you can always count on some incognito American Counter Intelligence Operative, Roger Ferris (Leonardo DiCaprio), who manages to dodge bullets and missiles but is still unable to avoid getting bit by a dog – making time for your cliche romance with native nurse, Aisha (Golshifteh Farahani), who administers rabie shots to heal his wounds and then later of course, does double duty playing the damsel in distress.
(Poontang pie may taste as good as cherry but til Tastyvision who needs this mush?)
Meanwhile back in the good ole’ USA at CIA headquarters Ferris’ handler and superior, Ed Hoffman (Russell Crowe) gaining 63lbs I guess to authenticate the gluttonous nature of American excess or simply the result and justification of him sitting on his fat ass while he monitors Ferris’ every bowel movement via the high tech unmanned aerial vehicle that is capable of zooming in on every fucking grain of sand in them desert regions yet is unfortunately unable to locate known terrorist leader, Al Saleem, whom recently masterminded bombings throughout Europe and whom both Ferris and Hoffman’s mission is to capture and kill.
Not only do they have this eye in the sky at their disposal to be in constant communique but also Ferris has uncanny cell reception in this barren wasteland when I can’t even get reception in my fucking house. At least this is more plausible then how Ferris is able to befriend the head of Jordanian Intelligence Dept., Hani Salaam (Mark Strong), to work in conjunction but then later without his authority set up a bogus terrorist cell and staging an attack on a US military base in Turkey using unclaimed bodies dressed as soldiers (hence the title) to deceive and lure Al Saleem into thinking maybe he’s not the baddest terrorist on the block anymore and to crawl out of his cave to be exposed to open fire. Not surprisingly this convoluted covert operation backfires resulting in Leo losing a couple of fingers and his patriotism. At least his and Crowe’s performance aren’t as annoying as Aisha healing Leo’s wounds.
“I’m the only Oscar winner with his mug on a bottle of salad dressing.” – Paul Newman
And with a handsome mug like that, even more so than that Brawny dude, who can resist stocking their pantry with Newman’s Own? And for those who can try to claim they wouldn’t go gay for Cool Hand Luke will always have the perfectly acceptable excuse of donating the full profits to charity in exchange for some high quality organics.
With today’s tabloid stars desperately donating by trying to compensate for their talentless lipoid sucked asses for “charity” causes, none will ever have the class or grace of Mr. Paul Newman. Since 1980, when Newman churned his first vat of salad dressing with a canoe paddle the company has earned over $250 million for various charities and expanded from a line of salad dressing (30 flavors!) across the board to organic canned turkey and brown rice…for your dogs! Each product is taste approved and accompanied with a unique label featuring Newman in different garb designed by him. No celebrity even comes close to the dedication and time spent creating such tasty and righteous products, they just endorse them. The Balsamic dressing took over 100 taste tests alone which amounts for more time than any public service announcement or modeling gig for Product Red. By the way, who doesn’t look good in Red?
(apparently Anne Hathaway doesn’t)
While Newman’s Own and Newman’s Own Organics continue to strive so does Newman’s Hole in the Wall Camps that offer a free retreat for children with serious medical illnesses worldwide. Since it’s inception in 1988 more than 130,000 children from 40 countries have attended the camps which is more than Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt could ever hope to adopt.
Unlike pseudo philanthropists Brangelina’s $70 million mansion in the south of France and Oprah’s $85 million mansion, Newman resided quietly in an antique farmhouse in Westport, Connecticut (his ONLY house), with Wife of 40 years, actress Joanne Woodward, and two Schnauzers. Newman never wasted our time with his politics nor scandals yet remains deeply involved in today’s society as he feeds and saves Americans while Sally “Chubby Cheeks” Struther’s continues to instead help by stuffing her face. Let’s just hope it’s at least Newman’s Own she’s scarfing.
“The concept that a person who has a lot holds his hand out to someone who has less, or someone who isn’t hurting holds his hand out to someone who is, is simply a human trait. I don’t think there’s anything exceptional about being philanthropic. It’s the other attitude that confuses me.” – Paul Newman
First was Basil Rathbone then Jeremy Brett starring as Sherlock Holmes and now, “Why?” you ask has our famous tall and imposing Holmes turned midget to Robert Downey Jr? One can only deduct the reasoning behind this casting in the upcoming movie version Directed by Brit Tarantino, Guy Ritchie a.k.a. Mr. Madonna is that Holmes often used morphine, cocaine, and opium – only he was clever enough not to get caught.
Another uninspired choice of casting is that of Dr. Watson, debatable stud and notably lean, Jude Law. At least he’s British. But what really puts a damper on this classic buddy duo is the added love interest Rachel McAdams, who plays Irene Adler, a minor character that showed up in only one story, A Scandal in Bohemia.
Slated for a 2010 release by Warner Bros. Ritchie says “It will be a very big production, visceral and intellectual. His brilliance will percolate into the action.” Given that statement this movie will be quite a change for him and also for Producer and first time Writer, Lionel Wigram, who has yet to finish his comic book version of Sherlock to be adapted. But given his past producing credentials, Cool as Ice and August Rush, this movie looks to offend the Sherlockians and cater to the Grand Theft Auto and A.D.D. fans. The anticipation of Downey uttering Holmes famous catch line, “That’s elementary my dear Watson,” to Jude makes me cringe – At least Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell will bare some resemblance to the original in their mockery.
I just hope Ritchie’s gap tooth Wife doesn’t provide the soundtrack too because we all know who wears the pants in this relationship.