This year’s conventional perennial western, Appaloosa, is uh…”What’s the word I’m looking for?” Gayorific? Right. And I’m talking Brokeback Mountain style!
Co-Writer, Actor and Director Ed Harris as Sheriff Virgil Cole bites off more than he can chew, adapting Robert B. Parker’s dimestore novel to the big screen, once again teaming up with his butt buddy in Eastern Promises, Viggo Mortensen as his faithful longtime “partner”, Deputy Everett Hitch. But without a nude locker room cockfight, Viggos’s good looks (brandishing a greasy hair center part) aren’t enough to save this shootout as it only fires blanks.
Within minutes we are thrown into a crossfire between Sheriff Cole and outlaw Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons), perfecting the latest Daniel Day-Lewis impression but without the sweet taste of an oversized straw and shake, whom both pine for the affections of Allison French (Renee Zellweger), who is obviously still suffering from the bad Bee Movie sting flashing her fat fugly face to the camera, turning this gun show into a skank scented bubble bath filled with a fluffy love triangle accompanied by either Irish Celtic music or Renee’s kiddy yankee doodle dandy piano playing. This all plays out on a cheap cracker barrel set as the actors all struggle with dialogue that desperately wants to be poignant between the excruciatingly long pauses of tumbleweeds tumbling but instead is trite and cliche as they are too preoccupied proving their manhood culminating into the obligatory showdown shootout.
Perhaps if Renee could wash the soap out of her eyes she would be able to tell the difference between these cowboys and save us all from this never-ending soap opera. If women like her were all the West had to offer it’s no mystery why every man was so willing to throw themselves in open gun fire. Or ride the happy trails of Brokeback.