Monthly Archives: September 2008

Appaloosa Loosa

This year’s conventional perennial western, Appaloosa, is uh…”What’s the word I’m looking for?” Gayorific? Right. And I’m talking Brokeback Mountain style!

Co-Writer, Actor and Director Ed Harris as Sheriff Virgil Cole bites off more than he can chew, adapting Robert B. Parker’s dimestore novel to the big screen, once again teaming up with his butt buddy in Eastern Promises, Viggo Mortensen as his faithful longtime “partner”, Deputy Everett Hitch. But without a nude locker room cockfight, Viggos’s good looks (brandishing a greasy hair center part) aren’t enough to save this shootout as it only fires blanks.

Within minutes we are thrown into a crossfire between Sheriff Cole and outlaw Randall Bragg (Jeremy Irons), perfecting the latest Daniel Day-Lewis impression but without the sweet taste of an oversized straw and shake, whom both pine for the affections of Allison French (Renee Zellweger), who is obviously still suffering from the bad Bee Movie sting flashing her fat fugly face to the camera, turning this gun show into a skank scented bubble bath filled with a fluffy love triangle accompanied by either Irish Celtic music or Renee’s kiddy yankee doodle dandy piano playing. This all plays out on a cheap cracker barrel set as the actors all struggle with dialogue that desperately wants to be poignant between the excruciatingly long pauses of tumbleweeds tumbling but instead is trite and cliche as they are too preoccupied proving their manhood culminating into the obligatory showdown shootout.

Perhaps if Renee could wash the soap out of her eyes she would be able to tell the difference between these cowboys and save us all from this never-ending soap opera. If women like her were all the West had to offer it’s no mystery why every man was so willing to throw themselves in open gun fire. Or ride the happy trails of Brokeback.


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Burn After Review

“Explanations come to an end somewhere.” – Ludwig Josef Johann Wittgenstein (Philosophical Investigation)


Despite negative buzz, The Coen Brothers’ 13th movie, Burn After Reading, when compared to their other works may not be considered groundbreaking and original but given the high expectations following No Country for Old Men and the repeat summer comedies of Farrell, Rogen, Stiller, and Jack Black it at least makes you appreciate that there are still real filmmakers out there. This time around they add DC to their list of cities to expose where we find new quirky characters plotting and scheming with reckless and random abandonment. From the opening overhead shot zooming thru the clouds (accompanied by the usual mission impossible type soundtrack) and into the secret insipid interior of CIA headquarters we are instantly thrown into this spy movie spoof black comedy. There we are introduced to agent Osborne Cox (John Malkovich) and his superiors in the act of firing him for his drinking problem. We then follow his plight into the paranoiac espionage nature of DC and it’s scandal ridden sexual infidelities only to clash with bimbo Hardbodies employees, Linda Litzke (Frances McDormand) and Chad Feldheimer (Brad Pitt) when they accidently obtain a disk of Cox that was “just lying on the floor” in the women’s locker room and their subsequent involvement in blackmailing him to pay for Linda’s numerous cosmetic surgeries and liposuction. To add to these blackmailing amateurs, Cox’s marriage is falling apart as his wife, Katie Cox (Tilda Swinton), unbeknownst to him is having divorce papers drawn up and an affair with a married man, Harry Pfarrer (George Clooney), who is a compulsive womanizer and sex toy inventor hobbyist and is also dating Linda. How the Russians get involved in this post Cold War circus is attributed by Osbornes’s disc which is what every spy thriller needs, the MacGuffin.

While the movie was marketed for it’s star studded cast, this cast proves to be more than just good looks. George Clooney caps off his Coen Brothers trilogy of playing an idiot with his boyish bravado of seducing women while Botox Brad and Frances, who literally lets it all hang out, pair up as a comic duo. But it is the meeting of the minds of Pitt and Malkovich that truly reveal the absurdity and comedy of this plot while Tilda Anteater Face continues to play the ultimate cold, stuck up bitch.

In the end, the Coen Brother’s have again succeeded in fighting the idiots we’ve been fighting our whole lives as they join the top of the box office along side these hollywood blockbusters that are consistently praised by retards.


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