Monthly Archives: August 2008

Woody’s Friendos in Barcelona

After the debacle of Scoop and Cassandra’s Dream, Woody Allen redeems himself with his fourth consecutive movie shot outside his beloved Manhattan. With a stellar cast, Vicky Cristina Barcelona erases the memory of Colin Farrell and Hugh Jackman. Unlike those posers, Javier Bardem tosses aside flipping coins and his captive bolt pistol from No Country for Old Men for a painters brush and an eye for beautiful American tourists (Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall) vacationing in Spain for the summer, trying to coax them into a menage a trois by seducing them with their artistic notions of spanish guitar, architecture and wine. But just when you think this trio is wrought with erotic lesbian tension Scarlett finds she can’t hold her liquor, even with the additional weight of her huge ass melons, and Javier and newly engaged Rebecca end up in the dark unwittingly shagging in the bushes.

Yet this episode is just the setup for the introduction to Javier’s ex-suicidal wife, Penelope Cruz, who reveals what a true tortured romantic artist really is through her genuine latin passion, her flights of fancy and raw emotion juxtaposed to those self absorbed Americans. Rounding off this ensemble, Rebecca’s husband (Chris Messina) takes time off from his high powered, social climbing, Wall St. job with the intention of getting married in Barcelona where we see what a dweeb he is compared to Javier who makes out like a bandit by screwing all three girls before he even arrives.

However, with the standard love triangle scenario, Woody shows a different angle of clashing cultures through a brief summer love affair (shot in Spain’s gorgeous light) and how New Yorkers may be too preoccupied with their own neurotic issues of stability and identity and are out of touch with the kind of unadulterated passion and love like the Spaniards. On a sour note, what boggles me is not the use of a narration but that it’s narrated by some dude who reminded me of Bill Scott’s George of the Jungle and Super Chicken and not Woody himself, along with the repetitive one song latin soundtrack from it’s opening to closing credits by Giulia y los Tellarini to help remind you where the movie is set called, “Barcelona”.

Menage a Trois?



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White Men Can’t Dance


Whether Robert Downey Jr. really meant he was too dumb to understand The Dark Knight or not he definitely proved his extreme low IQ in Tropic Thunder.


After three summer movies and an Inside the Actors Studio dick sucking session, Downey thinks he’s hot shit as he succumbs to Jack Black and Ben Stiller’s usual fart jokes. Tropic Thunder advertises that it’s a satire on war movies but if they really wanted to push the envelope, unlike the repeating Scary Movie franchise, it would of set the movie in Iraq and satirized the current war rather than Vietnam – making it a safe haven for gratuitous violence and gore. It’s attempt to also reveal the excesses of Hollywood filmmaking is quite unoriginal and ironic when you consider both Ben Stiller and Jack Black have made bank producing so much shit over their careers. And so it stands to reason that Downey is viewed comparatively as some kind of thespian parodying a thespian selling out too. What I find offensive about Downey is not that he’s in blackface but his fucking face in general and that he’s considered one of his generations great actors probably because he’s viewed as some tortured genius in and out of rehab. Yet the real irony is how Stiller is being slammed by the disability organizations for his portrayal of a retard when infact his whole career should be. But I think these organizations are fighting a lost cause because according to Rotten Tomatoes it has an 84% rating and Tropic Thunder being the number 1 movie is just another indication of the low standards in which the public is programmed into thinking who and what is funny, I mean just look at Dane Cook for chrissakes! Whatever happened to Mr. Bob Hope and Mr. Danny Kaye? If I’m old fashion then call me old fashion.

As for Tom Cruise’s so called unsurprising comic cameo, where even beneath all that makeup and prosthetics one still can’t help noticing that annoying arrogant voice, his need to be taken seriously (awarded the highest honor in Scientology) as an actor of diversity by showcasing his ability through the use of another jew dancing about to some ungansta like rap. He should of instead stuck with dancing on Oprah’s couch.



At least the Lance Bass cameo wasn’t delusional and infact the only funny moment in the whole movie besides the opening trailers. Given the nature of this beast and it’s apparent box office success I wonder how Stiller and his much needed think tank writing team will concoct a sequel? Maybe the little Vietnamese Boy comes back all grownup seeking revenge and letting the comedy ensue…



A surprising trivia note is how Owen Wilson was originally slated to play the part of the Hollywood agent in which Matthew McConaughey eventually took over after Owen gracefully bowed out by a fake suicide attempt over Kate Hudson. However credit is probably not deserved for such a smart move on his part for he probably just felt insecure with his acting chops alongside such knuckle-heads. And so, unfortunately we had to suffer through McConaughey’s running joke of providing tivo for his clients. At least he spared us for once  by not taking off his shirt.




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Dark Knight for Titanic.


“Nobody panics when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If tomorrow I tell the press that like a gang banger, will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it’s all, part of the plan. But when I say that one, little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I’m an agent of chaos. Oh and you know the thing about chaos, it’s fair.” – The Joker


After three weeks The Dark Knight continues to break box office revenues and is already posing a threat to the number one grossing movie of all time, Titanic. Worldwide Titanic‘s gross, beat out Lord of the Rings by over 700 million along with other notable franchises such as the Pirates of the Caribbean, Harry Potter and Star Wars series. Curious thing about this hype is how Titanic attracted such high ticket attendance, for there should be no competition between this shipwreck and this joker – Titanic is simply a disaster waiting to happen.


Dark Knight won’t sink Titanic record.


1997 must have offered little in the realms of entertainment, even including the population growth since Star Wars, it is obvious viewers were still paying for multiple viewings. After following other top money busters of 1997 like Jurassic Park, Men in Black, Tomorrow Never Dies and The Fifth Element, it is clear that disaster and action are a sure thing to draw a crowd but what these opponents lack is Titanic‘s heartthrob, the Leo DiCaprio factor, and the classic Romeo and Juliet story making Titanic more than your typical date movie as we’re sure to see bodies afloat AND titty. But even with the Leo-mania and today’s A.D.D. youth Titanic still appeals to more than these other blockbusters…old farts! With a sure fire plot, seniors are sure to not get confused with the newest hollywood effects and action. 


Top Grossing Films of 1997.

Top Grossing Films of all Time.


But now for the iceberg. Though we are made to believe that Titanic is number one in box office history, the truth is, after ticket price inflation, it reigns only at number six on the list. However, no worries, for our box office formula still holds true as Gone with the Wind, has held its place at number one since 1939. With movies being one of the few forms of CHEAP entertainment during The Depression, Gone with the Wind as well provided something for everyone in the general audiences, including rednecks.



So what will it take to knock Gone with the Wind from number one? Where did Titanic go wrong? For since then movie screens and worldwide releases have only increased. Perhaps Celine Dion and My Heart Will Go On is to blame?


All Time Box Office Domestic Grosses (Adjusted for Ticket Price Inflation).




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Shia transformers hand.


“Talent is funny, I’ve always looked at talent like what the hell does talent really mean? Talent is to actors what luck is to card players. It’s not really anything, it’s just a fictitious word that people have created and labeled things. Talent is like you know I never really believed in talent, I believed in drive and determination and preparation but talent is sort of like luck. I wouldn’t want to think of myself as talented it doesn’t seem like there’s any validity in that. I like to think of myself as an ordinary man with extra ordinary determination. That’s it.” – Shia LaBeouf


When Spielberg and Lucas are not busy counting their box office returns and tinkering and tampering (CGI) with their movies from the glory days of the 70’s and 80’s so as to repackage them for the latest video format, Shia Labeouf, their latest protege and possibly every nerdy directors alter-ego, is being touted and featured in every one their projects. From Indy to Transformers, to Disturbia and the upcoming Eagle Eye audiences continue to suffer as they are force fed this ass clown.

In Hebrew Shia means a gift from God, and if God don’t play dice at least he has a cruel sense of humor. Hollywood’s latest bad boy or “wild one” recently cemented his persona once more by rolling his pick-up truck at 3 A.M. in West Hollywood resulting in a DUI and second arrest while suffering a crushed hand. According to reports his hand will never fully recover but hopefully, like Harold Lloyd, his comedic talents will not be diminished. Though he has referred to Dustin Hoffman, Jodie Foster, Jon Voight and John Turturro as inspirations, so far only Brando and Jimmy Stewart have been the latest victims to be bestowed upon and disgraced.



Besides his hand, the accidents only casualty were his decorative toilet seats that were strewn about the boulevard. These being the only artistic contribution that has any merit from Shia – most likely where his “talent” and career is heading.


Shia LaButt


After Hillary Duff, Raven Symone, Miley Cyrus, The Cheetah Girls, The Jonas Brothers and the High School Musical clan one wonders how many more of these child stars can the Disney Channel continue to plague us with?

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Shake Your Bond Bond!


Earlier this week it was announced that new tabloid junkie Amy Winehouse has been replaced by rocker Jack White and soul singer Alicia Keys to record the latest Bond pic, Quantum of Solace, theme. I personally do hope they incorporate the title into the lyrics but not much rhymes with Solace other than Gonzales? This duet marks the first of any in the 007 theme history and is said to be released October 28th. 

The Bond theme songs have often featured popular artists of it’s time. Paul McCartney and Sheena Easton were the only Academy Award nominated while Duran Duran and John Barry’s “A View to Kill” were the only others to make US charts. Currently there is no available compilation of these themes on a single CD – most likely because of all the bickering between Brococoli and Saltzman.



Dr. No (1962)

John Barry & Orchestra Monty Norman – “Kingston Clypso”


From Russia with Love (1963)

Matt Monro – “From Russia with Love”


Goldfinger (1964)

Shirley Bassey – “Goldfinger”


Thunderball (1965)

Tom Jones – “Thunderball”


You Only Live Twice (1967)

Nancy Sinatra – “You Only Live Twice”


On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

John Barry – Instrumental (the only)


Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Shirley Bassey – “Diamonds are Forever”


Live and Let Die (1973)

Paul McCartney – “Live and Let Die”


The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Lulu – “The Man with the Golden Gun”


The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Carly Simon – “Nobody Does it Better”


Moonraker (1979)

Shirley Bassey – “Moonraker”


For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Sheena Easton – “For Your Eyes Only”


Octopussy (1983)

Rita Coolidge – “All Time High”


A View to a Kill (1985)

Duran Duran – “A View to a Kill”


The Living Daylights (1987)

a-ha – “The Living Daylights”


Licence to Kill (1989)

Gladys Knights – “Licence to Kill”


GoldenEye (1995)

Tina Turner – “GoldenEye”


Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)

Sheryl Crow – “Tomorrow Never Dies”


The World is Not Enough (1999)

Garbage – “The World is Not Enough”


Die Another Day (2002)

Madonna – “Die Another Day”


Casino Royale (2006)

Chris Cornell – “You Know My Name”


Quantum of Solace (2008)

Jack White & Alicia Keys – “Another Way to Die”






Maurice Binder is the original Title Designer for the first 16 Bond flicks (excluding From Russia with Love and Goldfinger) who has perfected to a scintillating science the use of silhouetted naked women dancing across the silver screen titillating millions of moviegoers thus enhancing the theme songs and singers more often than not with the exception being A-ha and Lulu. After 27 years, from his first sequence in Dr. No to his last in Licence to Kill, you would think he would get sick of rehashing the same tried and true and show us a little titty – Janet Jackson style.


Shaken Not Stirred


DR. NO (1962)








Spy Buddies



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